We say I, not you
Continuing on with our communication series, this week we are introducing a communication technique that can help with expressing yourself and alleviate conflict. This technique is called I-Statements. The purpose of I-Statements is to allow one to take responsibility for what they feel, think, and need. I-statements are a part of assertive communication and they allow you to confidently explain situations from your perspective.
Have you ever been in a conflict with someone else and began using phrases like “You always….You need to…You never…”? These types of phrases frequently lead to miscommunication, arguments, and both parties walking away with unmet needs. When we come at someone with statements like these the receiver is signaled to put their defense mechanisms up and protect themselves. Often times responses from the other party will be those such as “Well you never…either” or “You’re always doing…” and so on.
I-Statements can be helpful in preventing these types of conversations. Let’s look at how to formulate them. Typically, a helpful format is:
- I feel (insert emotion here) because (insert reason).
- I feel (insert emotion) when (insert what is needed to be done)
Let’s take a look at some examples below:
Example 1
Harry is upset at his girlfriend Mallory for staying out late all of the time. Harry and Mallory often argue when Mallory comes home or the next morning. Harry usually starts the conversation with “You are always coming home late and I am getting really annoyed by it”. Mallory responds with “Well you never want to stay out late and I am over it”.
Harry can rephrase how he is feeling with the opportunity to express himself and not create a reaction that has Mallory put up her defenses. Harry can say “I feel upset when you are staying out all of the time. Sometimes I get sad when I am here all weekend by myself”. This allowed him to express himself without being confrontational.
Example 2
Carl and Sandy are the parents of Jake, a teenage boy. Jake has been talking back a lot lately and being rude to his siblings. Jake is frustrated and so are his parents. Carl’s dad shares with Jake “You think you can just do anything you want around here, well guess what, I make the rules around here!” and Sandy shared “Yeah, you have no control in this situation and your behavior is going to change or else”. Jake responds with “Ha, and you both never listen to me or are interested in anything I say”. Its safe to say this situation escalated quickly and neither party are satisfied with how things are going. With the right communication skills, things can go a different direction.
It’s understandable Jake’s parents are upset and want this behavior to stop. It is important that as a parent, they are the ones setting the example. If a child gets yelled at, it is not surprising when they start to yell back. A way this situation could have been communicated in a more assertive manner is:
Carl could have said “Hey Jake, I am feeling really frustrated with your behavior and disrespect. I need you to share with me what is going on and how I can help you work through it”. Sandy can also say “I feel concerned that we are having these outbursts. I need you to understand the rules and boundaries in this house”. Coming from a calm, non-confrontational manner may give Jake the opportunity to express himself in why he may be acting the way he has lately.
Its important to remember that communication is a big part of engaging with others. Conflict does happen in relationships and it is normal. We have to remind ourselves that the conflict can be solved in a way that helps both you and the other party. By bringing awareness to how you are expressing yourself to others and using I-statements you will strengthen your skills!
Written by: Meaghan Warner, LCSW-S