Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships


September 24, 2021

Boundaries is one of those “big B words” that can have great meaning when used effectively. Technically a boundary is drawing a line separating space. When we talk about boundaries and humans, that line is not always as straight and narrow as we would like. Setting healthy boundaries is vital for successful relationships and an overall positive feeling of self-worth.

Boundaries can define how much we engage, or don’t, in interactions with others. Here we will focus on how to identify if your boundaries are healthy or not and ways to improve them if they need some freshening up. Most people don’t realize they may be involved in unhealthy boundary practice until their limits have been violated in some way, which triggers the realization “oh, maybe something needs to change.” This can be hard when we may be rooted in our ways, or have been raised in an environment where boundaries did not exist, were not enforced or, are blurry.

What are some signs that your boundaries may need some work? Boundaries can vary based on the type of person you are engaging with. You generally won’t engage with your boss the same way you would with your partner, your mom, or a stranger. Upon your first interaction with others, we are already unconsciously (or for some, consciously) determining what we want the relationship to look like.

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your boundaries:

  • What is my level of trust with others? Am I quick to trust anyone that gives me attention; or do I hold my guard up for longer than usual out of fear of rejection or hurt?
  • How much do I give or take in relationships? Am I giving 95% when the other is giving only 5%? In no way are relationships 50/50 all of the time, but healthy boundaries definitely set the pretendent that both parties give and take a fair amount.
  • What role do my personal values play in my relationships with others? Am I staying late at work when I already had plans after my scheduled time off because my boss wants me to, or am I engaging in some type of activity that I don’t personally agree with but I am doing it because I think the other person would be happy?
  • How much of myself is personally defined by what I say/think about myself, versus what others say about me or what society ‘expects’ of me.
  • Ask yourself who’s needs come first? Was the answer “my needs” or was it someone else’s such as my partner, my children, my employer, etc? We must always remember that we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else.

It is important that we always treat ourselves with respect and dignity. We must stand up for what we believe is right for us, no matter if others agree or not. This can be hard. Your values are yours and yours alone, and its okay if others don’t agree. A healthy relationship will respect both parties’ boundaries and work together for a give a take that is fair to both members of the relationship.

Communicate your needs and wants clearly. This will show others that you understand what you are doing and what you expect out of your interaction/relationships.

One of the hardest words for some people to say is “no.” Sometimes we feel pressured or we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. It is okay to say no that you won’t be going to that Thanksgiving dinner or you won’t be working late. Respect yourself enough to not allow someone else to disrespect you.

Focus on your level of trust with others and be mindful if it feels you are getting the same level from the other person.

So, if you noticed you or a relationship you are engaged in can use some boundary work, take what you want to be different and use that as a tool for change. Healthy relationships have the space for open communication from all parties. We all deserve the respect that comes with healthy boundaries.

Written by: Meaghan Warner, LCSW-S