Using all Your Resources for Strong Communication

May 21, 2021

Previously in our blog series, we covered communication styles. Were you able to identify yours? A quick recap:

  • The Mouse: a passive communicator, lets other’s needs come before their own
  • The Lion: an aggressive communicator, this person’s needs are being met before anyone else
  • The Fox: passive aggressive communicator, can express needs with an aggressive undertone
  • The Owl: an assertive communicator, hears both parties need and works to make sure both are met

If your style was any other than the owl, or assertive communicator, below are some tips on how to work towards increasing assertiveness in your communication. Being assertive helps up greatly reduce stress and anxiety in our lives. As discussed in previous blogs, a need for connection with others is important for our mental health. Being able to engage in conversation and talk with others can help us feel supported and connected. Having good communication skills ensures we can take care of our own needs and build a good social network. Communication skills are not something we are born with; like many traits in life, they are learned from those of us around us and through trial and error.

Let’s start by asking these questions to get a baseline:

  • Am I able to say no?
  • Am I able to ask for what I want?
  • Is it hard for me to state my opinions?
  • Do I pay attention to other people’s opinions?
  • What am I doing when I don’t agree with someone else’s opinion?
  • What is my body doing when I am communicating?
  • Do I make eye contact when I am speaking?
  • What is my tone/volume of my voice?

In answering them, were you able to feel confident in your responses? If so, you are on your way to assertive communication!

Many research studies have been conducted on our nonverbal communication. Nonverbal is the communication we use that does not include voice.  You might be thinking, “What? We can talk without using our voice?” The way we present nonverbal communication in conversation, such as eye contact, body posture, and facial expressions, are ways we communicate without sound. In being assertive, our nonverbal communication matches what we are saying. If there are inconsistencies, such as when you are agreeing with someone, but your body is tight or you are avoiding eye contact, some may pick up on that and believe you might not be being truthful. Some studies show that between 70-93% of our communication is through nonverbal communication. When working on our nonverbal communication we want to ensure we have emotional awareness. We must be aware of how our emotions influence us. If you are feeling anxious about a conversation, that may show in way such as darting eyes or curled up posture. We want to make sure when communicating that we respond in ways that show others we are present in the conversation and that we care.

When we look at being assertive using our voice, we want to make sure our communication is based on balance. Again, hearing the needs of others, but also having the space to express ourselves. Being assertive means your point is coming across fair, firm, and empathetically. We should never try and “win” a conversation. In communicating, it helps us when we use “I statements”. I statements help you focus on expressing your thoughts or beliefs without shifting blame to the other party. For example, a conversation might go a lot better when you state “I feel misunderstood by you right now” rather than “You never listen to anything that I say”. When we reframe our communication, decreased conflict can be an outcome.

It is important to remember that assertiveness is a learned skill and not a personality trait you are born with. Assertiveness is what you do, not who you are, and improving your communication style takes time. Continue to practice what you are working towards. If you make a mistake, take a step back and evaluate what went wrong and how you can improve next time. Make sure not to get discouraged and know that it is ok to be a work in progress.

Written by: Meaghan Warner, LCSW-S